Just over two weeks ago, Blur and I headed down to Miami. He needed to go for some government student visa something-or-other, and I’m… well, I’m a glutton for punishment. So the Sunday before Thanksgiving, we make like a baby, and head out. The goal is to be back by Monday night, because we both know in advance that neither one of us really want to spend much time in that city.
I want to make one thing abundantly clear from the start: if ever you think you have need to travel down the most boring section of road in the United States, drive from Savannah, GA to Miami. The road goes roughly 450 miles, and has fewer curves than a trapezoid. Luckily, cops on this road are aware of this phenomenon, and so are rather more lenient with speed limits than other parts of the country. If, on the other hand, you value your sanity, just take a plane. It’s worth the extra money, just so your brain doesn’t attempt to come out of your ears for lack of entertainment.
The other thing to remember: exit 29 in Gerogia on I-95 is a great place to get gas. It is not, however, a great place to get food, or at least a great place to get Krystals. Trust me on this one, people. They now have chicken versions of their sliders, these are to be almost as regularly avoided as their normal, “burger” variety.
Upon reaching Miami, it is best to have someone who’s got your back. I recommend either a drug cartel or a Special Forces team, preferably with someone who speaks Spanglish fluently. The “good” section of town feels very similar to the streets you see in TV shows like COPS, and the “bad” section… well, we didn’t actually go to the bad section, because we wanted to enjoy the holidays this year, and for the rest of our lives. Also, check the comments on your hotel before you go there. I realize that in some places, people simply act like snobs, but in Miami, it might save you from the embarrassment of walking into your room only to find it occupied by a complete stranger (or multiple strangers, all in different states of sobriety, consciousness and dress). In short, once your business is done in Miami, leave immediately! I say this only as someone who cares in general for the sanctity of human life.
Returning from Miami, it is usually a good idea to find some sort of moral and emotional cleansing. Disney World comes highly recommended. Even if you can’t stay in the park itself, just being in the presence of the House of Mouse usually does wonders for the deteriorated spirit that hath visited so vile a location. If nothing else, you can simply revel in the fact that you are no longer there, but rather in some place with the notion of civilization.
This concludes this public service announcement.
